Some folks say things which inevitably get them in trouble. This affliction is known as speaking before engaging the brain.
In defense of shoot from the lip folk, they are blessed or cursed with an imp riding on their shoulders. The imp’s sole purpose is to prod his ride to say or do something that shocks or offends people. Usually, the potential shockees are quite tight in the rump area.
With that in mind and in case you were not aware, this writer has a 200-pound troublemaker on her shoulders, which may explain a lot. The imp is ready. Shall we dive into examples?
Ram advertises their trucks as tough. The vehicles may be perfect for heavy duty jobs. But that was never the issue. It is the troglodytes who drive them that cause problem. If 100 dollar bills covered the ground, the poor louts would mow people down in their haste to scoop up the money.
The weather-related adventures of the Ram folk are longer than Santa’s naughty list. If the roads are slick with ice or rain, you can count on the Ram drivers to race down the road endangering everyone in their path. Why? Because they feel invincible.
Traffic slows to a crawl or comes to a complete stop. Congratulations! You are part of the lurching conga line caused by a road or utilities construction project. Everyone creeps along until they reach a fork in the road, also known as another available lane.
Eventually, the cars speed up to the posted speed limit, as the traffic snarl begins to unwind. When out of nowhere a Ram roars along the shoulder passing more patient drivers because the driver feels the need to lead the parade. It would be a safe bet his behavior causes more than one driver to speak in tongues of the cursing variety.
Based on scientific observation, also known as innumerable traffic experiences, Ram drivers tend to be hats-on-their-rumps asses. If you doubt this, check the truck brand as a driver executes yet another display of low IQ. More often than not, it is a Ram truck.
To conduct your own research, you will need a thick notepad to keep count of the infractions. The principal is the same as keeping track of drivers who allow you to merge into traffic. In that instance, a post-it note will suffice. However, if you count the uncharitable drivers who speed up and cut you off, you will need a thick book.
In the category of “What was I thinking?” During a family luncheon for Hubby’s siblings and their spouses, the conversation turned to humor. The imp knocked this writer upside the head reminding her about a George Carlin comedy routine she recently watched.
“For the most part, I love George Carlin’s humor. His routine about washing your hands after completing your bathroom business is hilarious. He said: ‘I don’t know about you, but I only s**t on my hands a couple of times a week.’” The silence was painful. Did I mention the audience is religious?
Well, I thought it was funny. However, note to self. Do not tell questionable jokes to the relatives. Or, at least let the dust settle for a while before opening mouth and inserting both feet, again.
Years ago, in radio disk jockey days at a small Oklahoma station, the DJ did everything. We pulled our news and sports off the wires. We read the dials and gauges for the weather report and basic engineering necessary to keep the radio broadcasting. And, of course, we selected the music played.
Even back then, this crazy lady’s imp sat firmly on her shoulder, whispering random suggestions. One reckless evening, she gave in.
The schedule called for news on the hour and news headlines on the half-hour. The song ended. “It’s 6:30 and here are the nude headlines,” she stated before launching into the five-minute segment. No one complained, and life moved on as a wicked smile crept across the DJ’s face.
As the warped among you already know, it is fun to rock the boat. But if you ever come across a talking bull, never say, “How’s it hanging?”