You have to admit there is a twisted sense of satisfaction derived from delivering a good insult. It is even more gratifying when your intended target does not realize it is an insult.

Now, do not be squishy. No one is immune to the innate desire and even need to retaliate against folks who caused physical or mental anguish to you or someone near and dear to you. Sometimes turning the other cheek is not an option, particularly if the object of your retaliatory insult suffers from the pachyderm syndrome – thick skinned, thick headed and vocabulary disadvantaged.

Before we begin, please delete all notions of what you think are insults. Why? Well, grasshopper, the insults you know and love are lame, ineffective, and trite (meaning stale or banal). What is a person to do when all the good insult words are shopworn and toothless? And how did this erosion of previously powerful or annoying insults come about?

The answer, in part, is laziness and lack of imagination on the part of the average cusser or wannabe insulter. Why bother to extend your insult vocabulary when there are a few readily available for your use? It has gotten so bad that once proud insult words are now part of our everyday conversations. Such crudification and crassification of society does not bode well for those who yearn to spew a few well-chosen and effective words to slice and dice another person without drawing a drop of blood.

Movies are a perfect mirror of society’s linguistic decline. Far too many of the movies intended to entertain us do the exact opposite. No one seems to notice the lack of a plot, but there are countless and spectacular explosions designed to distract and amaze the viewer.

As a generous blob of whipped cream on top of such quasi-entertaining films, there is the uninspired language punctuating every breath the characters take. In what universe besides our own is the F-bomb uttered in any context and with a frequency that reveals the void in the craniums of the vocabulary-limited rubes?

To cure this linguistic malady and as a public service, we offer a few fun and cerebral insults for your enjoyment and use. If you decide to avail yourself of this generous offer, it will violate any copyright laws or intellectual property rights.

In the course of a conversation, if someone accuses you of being a zygote or zygote brain; it is a fancy way of stating that you are as ill-informed or ignorant as a newly fertilized cell.  Of course, the speaker assumes you are familiar with the meaning of zygote.

Is it possible to insult someone if the object of the insult is clueless about the meaning of the word? Ah! There’s the rub. Lacking an extensive vocabulary can be a problem.

One of this writer’s go to putdowns was “you yahoo.” It does not mean Yahoo, the search engine.  In “Gulliver’s Travels,” a political satire disguised as a children’s tale. Jonathan Swift describes a yahoo as a crude, brutish, or obscenely coarse person, also known as a politician.

Another handy dandy insult is referring to another person as a “troglodyte” which is a cave dweller. When applied to a modern, supposedly evolved human, it means someone who is reclusive – a hermit, loner, or an eccentric.  For example, if you are thirty years old and still live in your parents’ basement playing video games or perfecting your hacking skills, you may, in fact, be a neo-troglodyte.

Euphemisms are another fun way to indulge in creative insults.

For example, “Born with a half-empty box of cookies” (not very bright). Or, “The guys suffers from the scarecrow syndrome” (brainless).

If the vocabulary of your targeted victim is questionable, you may need to have a handout list of your favorite insults and their meanings on hand for just such emergencies. Go forth and insult with aplomb.

Be bold. Be firm. And be creative.

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