WARNING: If you tend toward posterior constriction or other puritanical proclivities, do not let your eyes stray below this line.

Our society worships youth — the appearance of youth rather than the innocence and inexperience of youth.

If the external is so important, where does that leave folks bypassed by the fairy of beauty? Unfortunately, youth and beauty do not always walk hand-in-hand. But if we are willing to invest our hearts, minds, and bodies, the Fountain of Youth is accessible to all.

History offers countless stories of expeditions seeking the physical location of the Fountain of Youth. Since such searches found nothing of consequence, folks turned to alternative solutions. Thus, the billion dollar industry of pills and miracle creams has swept the world, preying on those in pursuit of eternal youth.

All the “miracle” treatments in the world cannot stop the passage of time. Not even the multiple facelifts, Botox shots, and other rictus-resembling attempts to clutch at the elusiveness of youth change the inevitable outcome. In fact, the results of some treatments are downright scary and horror film-worthy.

When we watch a person speak after they had a Botox shot treatment, it is similar to viewing a multiple car collision. You cannot look away. The shot irons out wrinkles by relaxing the facial muscles, and perhaps some brain wrinkles as well.

The problem is facial expressions are how people read each other. When nothing but the lips move, the sincerity of the speaker comes into question. A perfect solution for politicians running for office for the first or the umpteenth time.

Some folks choose facelifts in their battle against the ravages of time. But before long, that one last perfect facelift could move your nose next to your ear. The upside is you will have no problem sniffing the perfume you dabbed behind your ears. However, we recommend you refrain from taking deep breaths or else a wad of earwax may get stuck in your nostrils. Could such treatments be the precursors of the zombie apocalypse?

Why do some folks act and appear younger than their chronological age? Have they discovered a secret? The short answer is they have.

Take a few minutes to scan pictures in the newspaper of couples married for 50 or 60 years. Based on the murderous expression on some couples’ faces, one wonders if they fought over something trivial or serious before posing for those pictures. Whatever the cause, the couples look miserable, angry and undeniably crabby. Why stay married for so long if you hate each other?

The little-known truth is, in some cases, decades fly by without the grumpy couple’s engagement in the Horizontal Mambo. The longer folks go without, the grumpier they become.

Can you blame them? They deny each other one of the most rejuvenating, exhilarating and pleasurable activities in life.

After you study those cringe-worthy photographs of hitched but unhappy couples in the newspaper, look around. Before long, you will spot the couples still “dancing” together. You can even find examples of folks who engage in the Horizontal Mambo, or not, in the newspaper comic strips.

For example, Rick Detorie’s comic strip “One Big Happy” includes grandparents who still tease and flirt and Mambo behind closed doors. They are content and relaxed. On the other hand, Brian Crane’s “Pickles” depicts a tense, fussy couple who enjoy jabbing each other with unprotected verbal and physical barbs. They desperately need to Mambo before they inflict further damage to each other’s souls.

People who continue to engage in the Horizontal Mambo appear content, relaxed, and playful. They communicate, laugh, love and enjoy life together. In other words, they remain young at heart — connected and committed to each other (physically and emotionally).

Instead of roaming the world seeking the Fountain of Youth, Ponce de León could have stayed home and discovered that he had the Fountain of Youth within his reach. Assuming Señora de León was willing to participate in the Horizontal Mambo.

Without laughter and the Horizontal Mambo, the zest for life and youth fade away.